Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
