Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
