listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
