How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
