Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
