he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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