We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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