Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
