I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
