Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
