I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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