i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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