You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
