For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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