I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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