Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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