my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
