i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
