she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
