I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My penis needs a shock collar
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
