I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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