let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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