The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
