I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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