I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i believe in u and ur pee
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
