Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Found the puke drawer
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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