I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I take back everything I said about communal showers
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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