If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
