I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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