i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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