either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
