I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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