I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
