I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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