sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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