Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
