my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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