i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
