he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize
