Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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