i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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