Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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