You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
