Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
