god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
