I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
