i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need moral support for this bender
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
