My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
