"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
