Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
