Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
