I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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