So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
