If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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