I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
