I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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