Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
