Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
